The end.

Ok, fine, that is a lame excuse for a post.  But yes, I do have writer’s block, in a way.  In reality, I write stuff all the time… in my head.  But lately it never seems to flow out through my fingertips and onto my keyboard.  Why is that?  . . . → Read More: Writer’s block]]> I haz it.

The end.

Ok, fine, that is a lame excuse for a post.  But yes, I do have writer’s block, in a way.  In reality, I write stuff all the time… in my head.  But lately it never seems to flow out through my fingertips and onto my keyboard.  Why is that?  I feel like I do a lot of thinking.  I have plenty of time to kill during my long commutes to and from work, where in the past I’ve had plenty of ideas and theories flutter through my brain.

However, these days I feel a little brain dead, for lack of a better phrase.  My head feels cloudy and blank much of the time.  Part of me wonders if it is because of my job, which is astonishingly boring and completely mind-numbing quite frequently.  I sit in a windowless office all day, with very little contact with other humans.  I talk with people over the phone for a small portion of each day, but otherwise it is all through email and chat.  My coworkers and I have very little interaction.  Not much is required for business, and any sort of social interaction with them is extremely rare.  For one, they are in love with their computers and video games and I am not.  Secondly, I am female and they are not, which makes me foreign and perhaps scary?

The way our office is set up is not really conducive to casual walk-by conversations.  If I were to want to interact with my coworkers I would have to walk down the hall and hang a left to their little den that I never have reason to visit, only to plop myself down and say “hey guys, what’s up?”.  That would end up being very uncomfortable because one would likely stare at me awkwardly but not say anything, the other would make some weird joke and then laugh loudly and nervously, the third one would say “YO!” loudly and then stick his earbuds back in, and the fourth would ask me if I was in love with my Mac yet and then we’d be out of conversation topics.  Sadly, that is an exact scenario of any socialization attempts I would make.

So, instead I sit in my windowless office which I am fairly certain is slowly but surely killing my brain cells.  I honestly feel like I am in a mental fog during most the day, and then finally when I find myself at home it is like my world comes alive again.  I’ve tried everything to make the long office days more bearable- I listen to music, I do squats, calf raises, lunges, jumping jacks, run in place… all sorts of crazy things to get the blood flowing back to my brain. (I’m always terrified that a coworker will walk past as I’m doing one of these activities, further solidifying in their mind how odd the new girl is).  I used to do push-ups before my hand/wrist went all screwy, but that is a post for a different day.  If it weren’t for my dear friend on chat, also working her life away at another company, I’d go insane.  Despite my best efforts though, I feel like this brain deadness is beginning to seep into other areas of my life and that I’m perpetually walking around simply trying to focus on what is before me at the moment and remember the important things required for functioning.  It is strange and frustrating and I’m not quite sure what to make of it yet, but that is my long explanation for the very limited posting these days.

Also, I’ve found myself having a bit of an identity crisis, maybe?  Most of the women in my part of the world are full-time stay-at-home moms or only work part-time.  Obviously, at this point in my life I am not one of them, although I hope to be in the not-too-distant future.  However, I have a hard time figuring out where I fit in as a working mother.  I am not working in a “career” that I love and find challenging but rewarding.  Again, maybe someday I’ll find a more rewarding way to bring in some money.  As a result, I kind of feel like a…misfit.  I’m not like the ladies in my neighborhood, I’m not like the men at my workplace, so who am I and where do I fit within the social fabric of my life?

I’ve found that in my social confusion over the last several weeks that the best thing for me to do is simply walk away from it, to just focus on me and my family and be happy with that.  I think one of the dangers of this wonder that is the Internet is that we are entirely too connected.  It is far too easy to surf blogs, Facebook, Twitter, and who knows what else and see what everyone else is doing and then wonder who and what you identify with and if perhaps there is something wrong with you?  There are the blogs from the cute little SAHM’s who modge-podge everything and make sure there are scalloped edges and tastefully shabby ribbons and damask fabric on everything they touch, and that certainly isn’t me.  Then there are the working mothers who agonize over the work-life balance like I do, but they are lawyers and advertising execs and intensive care nurses and such.  Not lowly sales reps sitting in cave-like offices, waiting for the day they can feel alive and worthwhile again.

Because the Internet is my lifeline during my long, coma-like hours in the office I spend a fair amount of time “connected” to others to a degree.  I finally realized that while I wasn’t intentionally comparing myself to all these other people, I was being bogged down by worrying about if I was “right” or “wrong” compared to these women I had never even met!  I really feel that in our society today we’re all so hyper-connected to others through social media that we begin to lose touch with the most important person: ourselves.

I don’t have a smartphone, and honestly I never really want to.  I see no reason to have that much information and connectivity with me at all times.  I have found it refreshing to step away from the computer and just sit and think.  To reflect on my life, my family, my strengths and weaknesses, my relationships, what I’ve done well, what I can do better.  Maybe our great historical figures were so noble because they had so much darn time to reflect on things, you know?  They weren’t constantly trying to come up with witty 140-character phrases or Facebook stalk their ex.  Instead, they reflected on who they were and mastered their inherit weak points in their character.

So I guess what I’m saying, in a very round-about sort of way, is that over the last few weeks I’ve found it helpful to untangle myself from the Internet a bit, including this blog.  I need to be a better and stronger person who is comfortable in my own skin.  I’m not giving this blog up; I like writing.  Just sometimes good writing ebbs and flows and right now it is just not flowing as I would like it to.  And in this space I don’t want to blog about nonsense that is neither funny, nor helpful, nor inspiring, nor profound, nor creative, nor meaningful or anything else of value.

Well, would you look at that- my writers block has turned into almost 1,300 words!  I guess the advice to just sit down and start writing does work.  Either way, I do plan to continue to write on this little bloggy as I do get great enjoyment from it and based on the word-vomit above it seems to help me organize some of the thoughts rattling around in my brain.  See you again sooner rather than later…hopefully…

I was with my old company for eight years.  I loved working there (well, as much as I think I can love working somewhere…).  When I started there I was single, . . . → Read More: Reflection]]> I am officially in the third week of my new job now.  I am happy to report that it is going surprisingly well.

I was with my old company for eight years.  I loved working there (well, as much as I think I can love working somewhere…).  When I started there I was single, living at home with mom and dad, driving the standard single Utah-girl car: a Honda Civic.  By the time I quit eight years later I was married with a two-year old daughter, a homeowner, and driving the standard Utah-mom car: an SUV.  To say I have a lot of history at my old job is an understatement.  I thought I would be devastated over leaving, but things are actually going rather smoothly.  I generally don’t deal well with change as I am a very sentimental person.  I would totally be the type to save my old headset and nametag for years only to stumble across it occasionally and fondly reminisce about the good ol’ days.  However, I am learning that stuff like that = JUNK and I’m fighting that urge.  (I swear it’s genetic.)  Anyway, I do miss several of my old coworkers and the short commute I had, and the nice office building, etc., but oddly I’m generally unphased by it all.  I suppose I was just ready to move on.  To everything there is a season, right?

I was reflecting on this new season of my life today as I was attempting to create some sort of sad hairstyle while gazing in the company bathroom mirror, and I realized something- I almost never do my hair now that I have this job.  (OH YES GUYS, THIS IS A HAIR POST)  (Although, I’m fairly certain the only guy that reads this is my dad.  Hi, Dad!) I have to actually be here during normal working hours (as opposed to my previous evening shift) and I’ll be darned if I wake up at 5:30 AM in order to wash, blow dry, and adequately style my hair.  I’ve instead taken to washing my hair and then letting it air-dry and then maybe trying to manipulate it into something that resembles a “style” if I am feeling ambitious.  I work with almost all men, most of them computer programmers at that (read: not style conscious), so I kind of figure what’s the point?

But then I started thinking about it on a deeper level.  And I know, how deep can one really be when thinking about hair?  But I did.  Because in my neck of the woods, most “pretty” girls are all sorts of done up.  Perfectly straightened, highlighted hair.  Fake nails.  Fake tans.  Fake…you get the idea.  I do not fit that mold.  I take care to shower each day, do my make-up, and put nice clothes on, but I don’t go to the great lengths some other women do.  And I used to do my hair, until now.

So I started thinking.  Does this mean I’m one of those women that have “let themselves go”? And then I started feeling bad for my husband.

But then I thought, no, I think this means I am finally confident!  I no longer care about what others think about me!  I am happy the way I am!  Free at last!

See, I told you there was a deeper level to this.  The state of one’s hair reflects the inner workings of the mind and the level of self-esteem…perhaps.

But then I thought about it more, and I decided it was neither of those things.  Rather a combination:

1.  Apathy= I don’t care and am “letting myself go” to a degree.

2.  Lack of time and energy

3.  Apathy= I don’t care because I feel fine about who I am.

So really, I’m basically where I’ve always been.  Before I was not confident and actively working to become more confident.  Now I am more confident, but caring less about whether I feel confident.

I have reached a new level of self-awareness, all because of the state of my hair.

UP:  Got to work half an hour early.  Hooray!

DOWN:  Came with wet hair in order to be early and now it looks like barf.

UP:  I work with almost all men so no one . . . → Read More: The daily rollercoaster]]> Ever heard work referred to as “the daily grind”?  Mine is the daily rollercoaster lately.  Here’s how today went:

UP:  Got to work half an hour early.  Hooray!

DOWN:  Came with wet hair in order to be early and now it looks like barf.

UP:  I work with almost all men so no one has even noticed my hair.

DOWN:  I work with almost all men that I have nothing in common with.

UP:  Had computer problems (well, kind of an “up”), so I had an excuse to leave for an early lunch and to go buy a headset for my first demo today.

DOWN:  I bought the wrong freaking headset.  Boo!

UP:  Did my first demo today.  Hooray!  I did something useful and productive at my new job finally!

DOWN:  I discovered I don’t have a clue of what I am talking about.

UP:  It’s a beautiful day outside and I went for a nice little walk to reward myself for not screwing up my demo too badly.

DOWN:  I work in a windowless office and can’t even gaze out longingly at the beautiful day (which is maybe a good thing).

UP:  It is 4:30 which means I get to go home.  Best part of the day!!!

I always love leaving on a high note.